Happy Anniversary to Me

2011, for me, was a year of so many great things. I got a promotion at work, my husband graduated law school, took the bar exam... passed the bar!, we got married, and we are both gainfully employed ... and each respectively happy in our jobs. Besides the work things though, 2011 proved to be emotionally fulfilling as well.

I started the year off with what I soon found out to be panic attacks due to anxiety over possible impending low blood sugars. After some great advice from my Doctor who helped me get into contact with an even more wonderful diabetic counselor, I was well on my way to mending my emotional scars from 12 years of "not dealing with" the diabetes. After almost 6 months of regular counseling, 2 months of anti-anxiety meds, and the support of the people in my life, by the time Pearce and I got married in August, I started to feel "normal" and confident again.

All of this brings me to today. The last day of 2011 and the 13th anniversary of my diabetes diagnosis. Every year this day stirs up some sort of emotion about December 31, 1998, but this year my feelings are much different. My feelings are less sad, frustrated, and denial ridden ... and more confident, anxious, and calm. This year I overcame my anxiety, started to let people in to this world of mine, took a big leap and attached a medical device to my body, and really decided the frustration and anger against the diabetes just wasn't worth it anymore.

While I still have my moments and even days where this disease really does get the best of me, I am calmed by the fact that I am no longer in this alone. If anything, sharing my experiences with others has really helped, something I pushed back on for 13 years. This year my New Years resolution is to just say "Yes." Next week my wireless insulin pump is arriving and while I am apprehensive, I keep telling myself that this is the year of "Yes." Yes I am getting the pump, yes I am confident, and yes I can do this. 2012 here we come!

31

For anyone who has diabetes, the sensation of really low blood sugars are memorable. Low blood sugars are, for the most part, directly related to too much insulin. Most of the time, I get low blood sugars when I have guessed about how much insulin to give myself or I over-estimate how much insulin I actually need for a given meal. Low blood sugars can also be attributed to exercise, a change in hormones, a need for a change in insulin doses, among many other things.

Usually my Continuous Glucose Monitor alerts me when my blood sugar gets as low as 80 and again if it reaches 55 or lower. Once the number reads anything less than 40, it beeps pretty loud and clear and flashes the word "LOW" in all capitols. Unfortunately I have gotten so used to the monitor beeping at night since I usually run anywhere between 70 and 90 during the night, that I must have slept through several alarms.

Around 12:30 I woke up and felt disoriented, more so than just the normal "I just woke up" feeling. To me, it feels like the world is wobbling around me and about 90% of the time I am coherent enough to realize I need to check my blood sugar with a finger stick and get sugar fast. Just as I reached my meter I sensed something was really wrong. I was sweating from head to toe, had a hunger for anything and everything, and I had a really hard time keeping my hands from shaking long enough to prick my finger to get an accurate reading. Within 5 seconds I saw the number on the screen ... 31.

At the sight of this horrendous and scary low something (I don't know if it was adrenaline or fear or just a fight for survival) kicked in. I was coherent enough to get to a glucose drink, pull off the cap, and gulp it down in one sip. By this time, my husband was awake and apparently I was having a hard time remembering who he was for a few seconds. I lay down in the floor and just waited ... waited to feel better. I asked for an ice pack for the heat that was rushing through my body, I held my chest hoping that the pounding would stop, and munched on saltine crackers to cure my intense hunger. Never leaving my side, Pearce was the perfection of support. He is a rock, calm and as helpful as can be in times like this.

This whole "episode" probably happened within a matter of 10 minutes. Thank goodness for fast acting glucose drinks, if not solely for the peace of mind that I didn't have to experience the symptoms of such a scary low for too long. The other miracle here was the lack of anxiety that I used to feel about low blood sugars. A year ago something like this, or even the thought of this, would have undoubtedly triggered a panic attack. Last night I was calm and confident that I was in control, I was not going to die, and I had all the support I needed.

Our New Years Card!

Happy New Memories New Year's Card

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I know it's not entirely Diabetes-related but I couldn't help but share some of my favorite memories from 2011. Cards coming in the mail soon. Enjoy! XOXO

Holiday Eating

I spent this past weekend in Northern California with my family celebrating the holidays. Of course with every holiday season, comes the copious amount of food options that don't normally sneak into my every day life, including potatoes, breads, carb-rich appetizers, and of course dessert! It's as if the cookies and candies just materialize out of nowhere and especially with my mom's family, you can't walk anywhere in the kitchen without finding something to snack on while waiting for the enormous dinner that awaits us to finish cooking.

With all these food choices comes the task of managing blood sugars. It all seems so simple: count how many carbs + give insulin = controlled blood sugars. Well ... I wish it were that easy. Not having a nutrition label to know how many carbs are in each food option is difficult, especially when the amount of insulin I give myself is dependent on carb counting. Then, there is the issue with "grazing." With the type of insulin I use, there is about a 20 minute window between injecting and when I need to start and finish eating. This doesn't work so well at a holiday party when finger foods are layed out and eaten over a 1-2 hour period.

Last night at dinner I did a fairly good job of sticking with meats, veggies, and salads at my family's holiday gathering. In fact I did too good of a job and ended up with low blood sugars all night long and well into the morning. 8 sugar pills and 2 cups of chocolate milk later, I am finally heading back into normal range. After a night of my glucose monitor beeping at me every 30 minutes, getting up to double check my blood sugars with a finger stick, and waking up with the horrible after taste of sugar tablets I am exhausted.

While I appreciate the flexibility I do have to eat whatever I want, sometimes the repercussions of veering off course with certain food choices just tend to be tiring and frustrating. It's pretty annoying to have to take 1/2 a day to get back to "normal" and I also just feel bad for my poor husband who not only worries, but also had to deal with the glucose monitor going off at all hours of the night as well. He's off to an interview now ... and I'm resting in bed, looking forward to something healthy for lunch ...

Customer Support goes a long way!

I have to give BIG props to the people at both Dexcom (the continuous glucose monitor people) and Omni Pod (the wireless insulin pump people). Making the decision to try both of these contraptions wasn't easy personally and along with lots of support from people in my life, the sales reps and customer support teams at both of these companies have been awesome!

I had to request both of these devices from my doctor, Chris Sadler (who is amazing by the way too!) and then the company contacts you personally to get the process started. With the Dexcom meter I didn't really know what to expect. I had been so used to using the same pharmacy and procedure for getting prescriptions for years. Matt from Dexcom called me right up one day and not only was he so down to earth and easy to talk to, but he is a Type 1 Diabetic too. Same thing with Omni Pod ... their sales rep Matt (different guy) called me last week and even gave me his personal number in case I needed anything. Not only was he so supportive and easy to talk to, but also a Type 1 diabetic! Talking to people who work for these companies that are both diabetic and using their supplies really made a difference. I liked the personal connection to someone who knows what it's like to use the product they are selling.

Every time I talk with a person from either Dexcom or Omni Pod, I say to myself, "Wouldn't that be so cool to work for a company like that?" Perhaps when working with kids gets old (which it never will), but maybe really someday, I would love to be able to help others just like the awesome people at these companies have really supported and helped me. Just goes to show that Customer Support is a truly genuine concept, because without Matt and Matt (and everyone else I have come into contact with at these companies) making the decisions to start using the CGM and insulin pump would have been a lot harder.

Lean more about Dexcom here!

Learn more about Omni Pod here!

Time to celebrate! (my new diet)

The other month I was having a really hard time keeping my blood sugars consistent. No matter what I did, I felt like I couldn't get it right. I'd eat the same things I normally ate and give the same amount of insulin I would normally give ... and end up with a blood sugar through the rough. My blood sugars would run high and never seem to come back down, no matter how much insulin I pumped through my system. Then, when I finally got my blood sugars to come down, they came shooting down so fast that I had to eat sugar pills .... which shot my blood sugar right back up where it started. Talk about frustrating when everything that used to work just didn't anymore!

A few months ago I remember a doctor told me that there are about 1,000 that can affect blood sugar and I can be in control of about 5 of those things. WOW! So I started trying everything I could ... I kept myself as hydrated as possible (to make blood flow through my body faster). I switched out both of my insulins (thinking that one or both had gone bad). Started to try and get back into an exercise routine (which is really hard to do with high blood sugars). And then decided to REALLY up my game in the food choices department.

These days I've decided to go with portion control rather than just say no to a lot of things. My main diet includes a lot of low carb options, but I am sure to keep the carb-rich and sugary foods to a minimum. Right now I am really loving my current food routine:

Breakfast: 1 cup of unsweetened almond milk, 1/2 a banana, 1 scoop of peanut butter blended into a smoothie

snacks: rice crackers (only 6 carbs so sometimes I can get away without any insulin!)

Lunch: salad with 1/2 a tomato and 1/2 an avocado + plain Greek yogurt

Dinner: protein (flank steak, chicken breast, fish, etc), salad, + a veggie

Dessert: Hershey kisses in the freezer

Of course this doesn't happen EVERY day but I am loving the consistency that this diet really gives my blood sugars. I did a lot of experimenting, like figuring out that vanilla almond milk and vanilla yogurt are just TOO many carbs, and of course I miss the yummy flavors of those two options. But today I am celebrating 2 weeks of AWESOME blood sugars and that feeling is worth monitoring every bit of food that gets put into my body.

Meeting Someone New

During the last 13 years I have rarely had any interactions with other Type 1 diabetics. I know there are support groups and just groups of type 1's that get together but I have never sought out any of these groups for many different reasons. Mostly I think I just didn't want the label of "diabetic." I am so many other things and I felt that hanging out with or joining a group of other diabetics would further increase my association to the disease ... a disease that for the longest time I wanted nothing to do with.

While having dinner with my family after my sister's college graduation this weekend, two of her friends joined us, one of which is a type 1 diabetic. He walked up to the table, introduced himself, and said "Oh I see you have a Dexcom too," and pulled his out to show me. At this moment all of those years of pushing away any association I wanted to have with anyone else with type 1 diabetes washed away and I couldn't help but want to sit and talk with him forever about our shared experiences.  We both use a continuous glucose monitor and when he identified that this piece of machinery sitting on the table was a Dexcom meter (since most people think it's a cell phone, pager, or don't know) made me not feel like such an outcast after all. It took this one encounter for me to actually realize that I am not the only one who knows what this feels like.

We got a chance to talk about the Dexcom meter and our shared frustrations and experiences. (Wow! Someone who actually knows what I am talking about!) He also uses the Omni Pod insulin pump that I am in the process of trying to get. I found myself enthralled in conversation about something I am not usually extremely interested in or all that comfortable talking about. I can't believe how ultimately therapeutic this experience truly was. And while I truly appreciate having my family and husband to share my feelings with, they will never know how it truly feels physically and emotionally to be a Type 1 diabetic. It felt nice knowing that I wasn't so alone in this journey.

In my first blog post I mentioned that the day I was diagnosed was one of the most isolating feelings I have experienced. For the first time in a long time, I don't feel so isolated anymore. Although I doubt I will have several Type 1 diabetic friends in my life. I am glad to have had the experience this weekend to have found a fellow diabetic who I could easily open up to. I am really looking forward to continuing to build relationships with others who can relate to this world that I live in.

Nervous and Excited

It's been a long time coming but, along with Pearce and my family, I've decided to finally try an insulin pump. I'm having a hard time figuring out how I really feel about it right now. I mean, obviously I want to do this but there is always the fear of the unknown. How will I feel physically? Will it be time consuming? Will I get more high or low blood sugars? Will people notice the meter and wonder what is on my body?

For most of my teenage years I struggled a lot with feeling different and not wanting to be different. I have been talked to and asked about the pump for probably ten years and always had the excuse that insulin injections worked great and I didn't want to disrupt a process that worked so well for me. Another issue for me is feeling so attached to a machine and having the physical evidence of a piece of technology attached to my body so out in the open. At least now I can "hide" all of my diabetic supplies in a purse and run to the bathroom to check blood sugars or give an injection.

About 6 months ago I finally gave in and started using a Continuous Glucose Monitor (CGM). This piece of technology wirelessly transmits blood sugars every five minutes from a sensor on my abdomen to device about the size of a cell phone. I change the sensor spot on my stomach every 7-10 days and had to quickly start dealing with how I looked in the mirror with a thing about the size of 2-3 quarters attached to me.

More to come on the subject of CGM's later ... but the fact is, I still hate feeling different. Feeling limited. Feeling like my body has failed. Feeling like it's not fair that I have the burden of having to deal with all of this when everyone else I know will never know what this feels like. But in the end, it is what it is, and ultimately it is more than likely that this insulin pump will do great things for my health than hinder it. Trying new things is scary too, but I am optimistic that with the help and support of my great medical team, my husband, and family that this will be a good new experience.

I find out more about this new pump tomorrow and we should be up in running in a few weeks. I'm looking forward to sharing this experience with you. Thank you for all of your support. This road would be a lot tougher without you, that is for sure!

"Acceptance"

During the last 13 years there have been several things I have been forced to "accept." When I was 13 and newly diagnosed, I remember "accepting" that I could no longer have regular soda, juice, and cereal. These foods, although not forbidden, are so high in sugar that managing them with insulin injections just made things harder. Not impossible but harder.

Throughout high school I went through the motions of seeing the doctor and listening to the lectures about keeping my blood sugars controlled. I knew the facts about long term affects of high blood sugars but reasoning with a teenager (I can only imagine) is like trying to communicate with a door.  For all the times I rolled my eyes and didn't "accept" the lifestyle changes I really needed to make, I am sorry. 

I can't however say that those rebellious teenage years didn't have a positive affect on my outlook today. I may have proven that living with high blood sugars is possible, but now that I have been in really good control for the last 6 years, I could never go back. I could never go back to being tired all the time, having a hard time concentrating, the mood swings, and the constant need to eat, to name a few. These days I am thankful to have energy, feel like I can exercise, and generally feel happy most of the time. It's hard to believe that all of these things can be related to blood sugars, but like I said, it would have been hard to appreciate how I feel now without knowing what is was like to hit rock bottom back then.

I titled this post "Acceptance" with the quotations, because for me, acceptance is an ongoing process. I always feel like there is something I am forced to accept, whether it be a food choice to the possibility of various medical complications later in life. I may never fully accept the idea of diabetes, but every day I certainly accept to TRY to accept these things, no matter how big or how small. It's probably even a good practice for other things in life ... let me know how it works for you :-)

"I am not your Grandmother!!"

I was in my office the other day checking my blood sugar when a co-worker walked in and asked what I was doing. I said, "Oh, I'm just checking my blood sugar. I'm diabetic." Now, I have to pre-face my next few comments by saying that I don't expect everyone in this world to be educated about diabetes but nothing bothers me more when a person you are talking to replies with: "Oh, my grandmother has diabetes," and then continues on about how her grandmother can't eat sweets, takes a pill every day, etc.  This person automatically assumes I must be just like her grandmother and even has the audacity to say to me, "I'm sorry you can't eat sugar."

AHHHHHHHHH!!!

Usually these conversations continue with me trying to explain the difference between Type 1 and Type 2 diabetes. Since Type 2 diabetes is far more common, treatment and care for adult onset diabetes is more commonly talked about in the social world. For me, it's the negative stigma attached to Type 2 diabetes that really bothers me. To be completely honest, nothing about me wants to be associated with that.

Type 1 diabetes is the body's inability to produce insulin. It's called Juvenile Diabetes because it is most commonly diagnosed in toddlers and kids going through puberty, or before the age of 40 in rare cases. ONLY 5% OF PEOPLE WITH DIABETES HAVE TYPE 1 DIABETES. Our small community uses insulin injections and blood glucose monitoring to manually do a process that our bodies have ultimately failed to do.

Diabetes is scary and it sometimes feels like a life and death situation. Just like a body's naturally reaction is to breath in and out, we all need insulin to survive. Not having insulin just isn't an option. Do I love it? No. But do I want to do my best every day to be here and enjoy a healthy and happy life? HELL YES!