"Is there anything I can do?"

It's a question I get asked all the time. When my Dexcom meter starts to beep. When my blood sugar is low. When my blood sugar is high. When nothing is happening with my blood sugars at all ... But out of care and concern, several family and friends are always asking the question, "Is there anything I can do for you?"

Throughout my teenage years I felt very alone. Isolated even. I can't blame anyone for my feeling this way, because deep down I know that I was never alone had I been able to tear down the emotional wall that I built. And now here I am, over 14 years later, with the same wall. Although I really do think that over the years several experiences, relationships, and even some maturity have broken away at parts of the wall, and even made it shorter, there are still moments when the wall is just as strong and stubborn as ever.

The teenager in me wants to answer this question with a big fat "No! There is absolutely nothing you can do!" or even, "Yeah, make it so I don't have diabetes anymore." That's what the bitter, resentful, isolated, and immature side of me wants to say a lot of the time when others are offering to help. And It's not even their fault. In my heart of hearts I know the question is asked out of care, concern, and maybe even helplessness. I'm sure there are those of you out there who don't really know what you can do, but offering to help somehow makes it better.

But the fact of the matter is that no matter how much I can try to let people into this world, I will still feel very alone. I appreciate, MORE THAN YOU KNOW, when you get my sugar pills, ask about my doctor appointments, and read this blog. But outside of that, managing the physical aspects of this disease is really a one-man job. I could never ask anyone to remind me to check my blood sugars, calculate insulin amounts, count my carbs, or correct for a high or low blood sugar. It's just not realistic.

But, you CAN continue to offer your help and support. And I surely CAN try and be more accepting of your help as well. It's truly hard sometimes to convey the emotional turmoil and stress that goes along with this disease, as well as the resentment when I just want to enjoy a nice hike with my friends but my brain is wrapped around the idea of a possible low blood sugar. I know I do a stellar job at managing blood sugars, but more often than not it's a chore I would gladly live without, just to know what it feels like to not have the anxiety and stress of it all.

The wall I built long ago started off as tall as anyone could imagine and I know I've come a long way with the help of so many. Each of you has helped in tearing apart bits and pieces that I am truly grateful for. Every day is a challenge but I will forever be grateful for all of you who help me to and try to break down that wall.

The Numbers

Nine days into 2013 and I found out that I had already met my health insurance deductible for the year. NINE! I initially freaked out for a little bit as I held a VERY large medical bill in my hand but as my optimistic husband pointed out, at least the rest of the year in medical bills won't be so bad ... I see the silver lining here, but still, to only take nine days to meet a yearly deductible for out of pocket expenses is pretty impressive, I have to admit.

So, as I was starring at the breakdown of medical expenses billed, what my insurance covered, and how much I owed the other day, it really got me thinking about exactly how much I spent in 2012 in medical costs. And the even bigger number: How much did my doctors charge me in 2012? So here's the breakdown:

Explanation of Benefits (calculated by: Me)

• Total amount billed in 2012 (including but not limited to: doctor visits, emergency services, blood work, medical device equipment) = $13,127.34
• What I paid for medical expenses (after health insurance discounts and coverage) = $2,763.15
• What I paid for Health Insurance Premiums = $3,840
• Approximately how much I paid for insulin = $250

• GRAND TOTAL for Out of Pocket expenses in 2012 = $6,853.15

I had never broken down my medical expenses in such detail before, although I had been guessing and budgeting to spend approximately $500 per month last year. The grand total above, divided between 12 months means I actually averaged about $571 per month in medical expenses in 2012.

After I did these calculations on my living room floor about an hour ago I have been going back and forth with two main thoughts:

1. I could afford another car payment with that! Or continue to put away even more money in savings ... OR think of all the shoes a woman could buy with that money! The options are seeming endless right now. And for a young couple like us, $500 can make a difference on a monthly basis and I hate having this disease even more for the financial burden it seems to put on me.
2. On the other hand, it also seems like a small price to pay for my overall health and well being. There really isn't a price one can put on happiness and health, and if this is my price to pay for being able to live the best and most healthy life possible, then I have absolutely no problem with it. It is what it is, and that $571 per month is keeping me alive and kicking 365 days a year. And ultimately I am thankful for that.