The pressure to lie

Back when I was "bad" with diabetes (the teenage years) my mom was really great about making sure I at least saw the endocrinologist every 3-4 months. Each time they would ask me to bring in a written record of my blood sugars for the previous few weeks. I was supposed to record my blood sugars on a chart, the doctor would look at them, and then make recommendations for changes to my insulin regiment. I also had to do blood tests before the appointments which would identify my average blood sugars over the last 3 months. And all of this data is REALLY important in figuring out how to uniquely manage each person's diabetes care since every person's insulin needs are fairly different.

I was so emotional about going to these appointments. I knew I was "bad" at diabetes. The doctor definitely had to know I was bad at diabetes. I'm sure my parents knew it too ... But I pretended I was good because of the enormous pressure I felt to be good at it.

I couldn't tell you how many times I even checked my blood sugar as a teenager but I know it wasn't consistent. Instead I would make up blood sugar numbers for my doctor. The night before an appointment I would sit in my room with the little chart and fill it in with guesses. I thought I was so sly too. I thought I had everyone fooled! I would hand the charts over to my doctor the next day, he would smile, and say "Thank you," and at the time I thought he totally bought it. Looking back now, the numbers I wrote down could have never matched my blood tests and he HAD to have known I was lying.

I had already felt so sad that this was my life and I felt so different from everyone I knew, and everyone I cared so much about. I hear a lot of people talk about how hard it is to be a diabetic teenager because at that age you just want to fit in with your peers. But even worse, it was hard to be diabetic with my family. Especially with the close family I have, being around them without any of them being able to relate to me, was difficult.

I felt pressure every day to be "good." When I didn't know how to be good, I lied about it. I didn't want the look of disappointment on my parents faces when my blood sugar was 300. I didn't want to worry anyone in my family. I couldn't stand feeling like I did something wrong and it was my fault that blood sugars weren't perfect. And without any known previous genetic links in my family to diabetes, I didn't have anyone to blame but myself for this disease.

Today I have SO much to brag about with my terrific blood sugars and very rarely do I see a blood sugar over 200. But, when a higher number does show up on my meter though I am taken back to those days of guilt. The "what did I do wrong?" questions cross my mind instantly and I am embarrassed. It happens though. Sometimes with cause, but sometimes without a reasonable explanation. There really isn't a "perfect" in this world of diabetes because just like how people come in all shapes and sizes, diabetics come in all sorts of blood sugar numbers. Some of us have highs and some of us have lows, and that's just the name of the game.

**Here's a picture of my Dexcom today. It's been a great day of consistent blood sugars. :-)**

Jumping Through Hoops

I really take a lot of pride in my motivation to stay healthy. Despite any bitter feelings about being diabetic, I try my very best to do everything I can to make sure that I am keeping my blood sugars as controlled as I can. Despite these efforts, I feel like I am constantly running an obstacle course and jumping through hoops. If it's not one thing it's another, and in my mind, my world is filled of floating pink hula hoops waiting for me to jump through just to make it to the next minute, hour, day, or month.

I got a letter from my insurance company last week that read a little something like this, "We just wanted to inform you that the glucose test strips you currently use will no longer be covered. If you would like to continue to use the same test strips, you must get special permission from you doctor, or you will have to pay full price for your prescription."

Dear Insurance Company People,
Thank you for putting another big pink hula hoop in my path!
Sincerely,
Me

Ok, I understand that insurance companies have their reasons but do they realize that "getting special permission" requires a doctor visit or a 15 minute phone call on my behalf? Do they realize that it wastes the doctor's time to even have to put in this request? Do they realize that the test strips I currently use are my ONLY option? And do they realize that I already pay an arm and a leg for prescriptions, and not covering my prescriptions will cause at least 100 more pink hoops to appear?? I mean, in the grand scheme of things, test strips are a minor part of my diabetes care, yet just as essential as any other prescription or tool I use to help monitor my blood sugars.

I just starting thinking about how there are people out there, much like myself, who just want to take care of themselves and be healthy. Unfortunately, I am feeling like doing this requires a person to jump through a whole lot of big, pink, round, hoops. Managing prescriptions. Dealing with insurance companies. Making and keeping doctors visits. The financial burden. The daily monitoring. I mean, why does the desire to be healthy "cost" so much?