The pressure to lie

Back when I was "bad" with diabetes (the teenage years) my mom was really great about making sure I at least saw the endocrinologist every 3-4 months. Each time they would ask me to bring in a written record of my blood sugars for the previous few weeks. I was supposed to record my blood sugars on a chart, the doctor would look at them, and then make recommendations for changes to my insulin regiment. I also had to do blood tests before the appointments which would identify my average blood sugars over the last 3 months. And all of this data is REALLY important in figuring out how to uniquely manage each person's diabetes care since every person's insulin needs are fairly different.

I was so emotional about going to these appointments. I knew I was "bad" at diabetes. The doctor definitely had to know I was bad at diabetes. I'm sure my parents knew it too ... But I pretended I was good because of the enormous pressure I felt to be good at it.

I couldn't tell you how many times I even checked my blood sugar as a teenager but I know it wasn't consistent. Instead I would make up blood sugar numbers for my doctor. The night before an appointment I would sit in my room with the little chart and fill it in with guesses. I thought I was so sly too. I thought I had everyone fooled! I would hand the charts over to my doctor the next day, he would smile, and say "Thank you," and at the time I thought he totally bought it. Looking back now, the numbers I wrote down could have never matched my blood tests and he HAD to have known I was lying.

I had already felt so sad that this was my life and I felt so different from everyone I knew, and everyone I cared so much about. I hear a lot of people talk about how hard it is to be a diabetic teenager because at that age you just want to fit in with your peers. But even worse, it was hard to be diabetic with my family. Especially with the close family I have, being around them without any of them being able to relate to me, was difficult.

I felt pressure every day to be "good." When I didn't know how to be good, I lied about it. I didn't want the look of disappointment on my parents faces when my blood sugar was 300. I didn't want to worry anyone in my family. I couldn't stand feeling like I did something wrong and it was my fault that blood sugars weren't perfect. And without any known previous genetic links in my family to diabetes, I didn't have anyone to blame but myself for this disease.

Today I have SO much to brag about with my terrific blood sugars and very rarely do I see a blood sugar over 200. But, when a higher number does show up on my meter though I am taken back to those days of guilt. The "what did I do wrong?" questions cross my mind instantly and I am embarrassed. It happens though. Sometimes with cause, but sometimes without a reasonable explanation. There really isn't a "perfect" in this world of diabetes because just like how people come in all shapes and sizes, diabetics come in all sorts of blood sugar numbers. Some of us have highs and some of us have lows, and that's just the name of the game.

**Here's a picture of my Dexcom today. It's been a great day of consistent blood sugars. :-)**