Loss

Throughout the last several years of having diabetes I have experienced a LARGE range of emotions, from frustration to elation and sadness to success. Some of these emotions have remained a constant in my life with diabetes while others have come in ebbs and flows. It would be truly a feat to describe each emotion that I could relate to my experiences with diabetes, but recently one has been really hitting home for me.

A few weeks ago my husband and I experienced a loss that isn't something any couple could be prepared for. During the days and now weeks of healing, this sense of a loss has really stirred up one particular emotion that I have struggled with since the day I was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes. I was brought back to December 31, 1998, sitting in the doctor's office and hearing a man I had never met before try to describe how my life would be forever changed. I could never go back yet I could barely understand what the future held. I could be advised as to medically what was happening, but emotionally, news like this is not something most people ever imagine to prepare for.

I was truly stunned how the last few weeks of my life have truly mimicked the first several years of my diagnosis. Back then, medically I was struggling to understand what it even meant to lose the ability to create insulin and process sugars. I also struggled with feeling alone, broken, and ashamed. I was told there was nothing I could have done to cause this. And I was in shock. I could barely understand what was going on, because like I said, these conversations are not something we prepare for in life.

So many times I have cried, begged, pleaded and tried to make a deal with God, asking him or someone for a divine intervention, "Please make this all go away!" I want to go back to the day before this conversation even happened. Unfortunately in life, we are probably all blind-sided with news that at the time seems like too much to handle, that is unbearable, and that seems too twisted to even comprehend. It's heartbreaking, and it's life.

Most of my posts end in hope, and this one does too. Because in all of our unbearable circumstances, we each deserve to HOPE and have faith in the future... whatever that may hold for each and every one of us.

Negotiating

It's with no hesitancy that I am willing to let you all know that I do not like being told what to do. I am happy to take direction or recommendations, but unfortunately my husband even has found out the hard way, that without meaning to sound like he is telling me what to do, I will be the first to snap back, "Don't tell me what to do!" Poor thing .... he is such a trooper to deal with not only the diabetes part of my life, but everything that comes with marrying an independent, driven, and emotional woman. And vice versa, he is strong enough to let me know when enough is enough. We challenge each other, and I love that.

It has taken me a long time to respect when a doctor is making a recommendation about my insulin levels for it to not feel like a command, but instead a conversation or negotiation if you will. I was sitting in the doctor's office a few days ago going over blood sugars and insulin doses with the doctor and my all time favorite nurse, June. As we were all looking over them Dr. Moore suggested to change some of my doses as June started to type them into the chart. I immediately took out my insulin pump to start changing the doses right away, at which point I was completely caught off guard when Dr. Moore "scolded" me ...

I looked at him with such a surprised look on my face as he said to me, "Now wait a minute, these are my recommendations. Next we negotiate and you tell me if you are comfortable." So while I have just mentioned how I hate being told what to do, I am also very trusting, and I have trusted doctors with my life for several years now. They know what do to with insulin levels, they tell me whats good or not so good to eat, and they tell me when to come back for more appointments. Yet at that moment this doctor was finally telling me that it's okay to do what I have been doing all along ... negotiate, and do so without feeling guilty about it.

Most of the time I take the doctor's recommendations, but once and awhile I will walk out of the office thinking that something they said was silly and I wasn't going to do what they said or tweak their "treatment" recommendations. I did so in private without letting them know it wasn't really something I felt comfortable with though. Yet now, this doctor was telling me it was okay! After all, I'm the one with the diabetes! Yes, he seems as old as stone, and has probably been doing this forever, but he doesn't live the highs and lows like I do. He gets it though. And I so much appreciate that.

Taking care of medical issues can always be a negotiation. After all, along with our families, we need to be our biggest advocates. To me, a doctor's advise is always comforting and trustworthy, but living with diabetes 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, has to make me some kind of professional too. It's a balance that each of us must find, and I am grateful as ever to have found that with the team of health care providers that I have the amazing opportunity to be supported by. I know my right-fully so overprotective husband feels the same way too :-).