Loss

Throughout the last several years of having diabetes I have experienced a LARGE range of emotions, from frustration to elation and sadness to success. Some of these emotions have remained a constant in my life with diabetes while others have come in ebbs and flows. It would be truly a feat to describe each emotion that I could relate to my experiences with diabetes, but recently one has been really hitting home for me.

A few weeks ago my husband and I experienced a loss that isn't something any couple could be prepared for. During the days and now weeks of healing, this sense of a loss has really stirred up one particular emotion that I have struggled with since the day I was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes. I was brought back to December 31, 1998, sitting in the doctor's office and hearing a man I had never met before try to describe how my life would be forever changed. I could never go back yet I could barely understand what the future held. I could be advised as to medically what was happening, but emotionally, news like this is not something most people ever imagine to prepare for.

I was truly stunned how the last few weeks of my life have truly mimicked the first several years of my diagnosis. Back then, medically I was struggling to understand what it even meant to lose the ability to create insulin and process sugars. I also struggled with feeling alone, broken, and ashamed. I was told there was nothing I could have done to cause this. And I was in shock. I could barely understand what was going on, because like I said, these conversations are not something we prepare for in life.

So many times I have cried, begged, pleaded and tried to make a deal with God, asking him or someone for a divine intervention, "Please make this all go away!" I want to go back to the day before this conversation even happened. Unfortunately in life, we are probably all blind-sided with news that at the time seems like too much to handle, that is unbearable, and that seems too twisted to even comprehend. It's heartbreaking, and it's life.

Most of my posts end in hope, and this one does too. Because in all of our unbearable circumstances, we each deserve to HOPE and have faith in the future... whatever that may hold for each and every one of us.