Probably one of my favorite parts of diabetes, if I had to have a favorite, would be educating others about the disease and talking about my experiences. For those of you who have known me since my diagnosis in 1998, this probably comes as a shock, because to be honest I'm still surprised by it. It's taken me a long time to be this comfortable, and ultimately I am glad to have reached this place.
I am caught reflecting though on what has made the difference though. When I was a teenager and even in my early twenties, I found it hard to talk about diabetes. I felt like people were intruding on my business any time someone even asked me what my blood sugar is. I feel bad for being so hurtful, because I know that those people were just interested or truly cared about my well being or worried. The reasons I would feel so angry when anyone wanted to talk about it though ultimately come down to shame. I hated talking about diabetes almost as much as I hated taking care of my diabetes, two things I did very poorly for a few years following my diagnosis.
I felt guilty that I couldn't "perform" like I was supposed to or told to. When my blood sugar was over 200, I hated to see the look of worry in their eyes. I was ashamed for not being able to do something that I think others see as "easy." Besides, isn't having diabetes just about checking your blood sugar and not eating sugar?? Not at all ...
Yesterday after a doctor appointment I was talking to a co-worker of mine about the check up. She was asking questions about things she had heard happened to people with diabetes and I started to explain why some of those things do happen. At the end, her response went a little something like this: "Well you must have it so easy then because you take care of yourself." At the time I agreed but by the end of the day I had a very different perspective.
I think that truly managing Type 1 diabetes is the hardest job I will ever encounter in my life. Sure, I am "making my life easier" because ultimately 10, 20, and hopefully 50 years from now I won't have to deal with the possible side effects of high blood sugars, but right now a salary for the work I put into taking care of my healthy lifestyle I think should make me millions. If only ... right?
But seriously though, diabetes is a full time commitment of checking blood sugars, monitoring blood sugars, dosing insulin, carefully considering every food choice, taking into consideration when is and isn't a good time to exercise, worrying about blood sugars during stress, scheduling doctor's appointments, managing finances to afford all of this, and working just as hard to try and find a minute to stop thinking about blood sugars to focus on the millions of other thoughts I have during the day from my professional to personal life. It's hard to explain to others how literally everything I do affects my diabetes and there are very rare moments in my life where my brain is not calculating how my every move is going to affect something related to diabetes.
So last night I made the comment to my husband that I think I make what I do look easy. Others around me are confident to throw around comments like, "You have it so easy," because they don't live it and to some extent I still am private about a lot of things, like not making it a big deal when my blood sugar is 38 or 300. I am of the opinion that I am not going to ramble on about diabetes or draw attention to fluctuating blood sugars to be that annoying diabetic that needs all the attention. In turn, I feel like my nonchalant attitude gives off the vibe like diabetes is no big thing, when in reality it's the biggest most hardest thing in my life every single day.
Managing diabetes is hard. It's 24 hours a day. It's consuming. And it's my life. I'm happy to do it because the reward of being healthy enough to spend every day with my loving husband and great family and friends for the next 100 years is MORE than worth it. :-)
No comments:
Post a Comment