Reaching Out

In an eighth grade literature class we were prompted to write about a life changing event. We had gone over the 5 paragraph essay writing method and the prompt was very open ended. Besides, by the age of 13, it's safe to say that not many people where I grew up probably had too many "life changing" events.

My pencil began to write and before I knew it, 5 paragraphs sprawled my paper and I was ready to type my finished product on the computer. Writing felt so natural. I wasn't afraid. I felt comfortable not thinking about who was going to read the paper, especially because I only considered it a school assignment and because I wasn't ready to share the emotional turmoil I felt about my recent diagnosis with anyone out loud ... or maybe I was?!

After I typed the assignment though I felt a sudden urge to read the paper to my Mom. I began with the introduction that talked about my symptoms and getting sick before I was diagnosed. The "meat", or middle 3 paragraphs, explained diabetes, or what I thought I knew about diabetes at the time, and what I had to do every day to control my blood sugars. And my final paragraph finally said the words that subconsciously I must have wanted people to know .... I no longer felt like I had anything to live for.

I was sitting on the floor of my bedroom and my Mom stood in my doorway, wide eyed. I can't say I could ever guess what went through her mind as those words exited my mouth, and she slowly said to me, "Do you really feel that way?" My eyes began to tear and probably for the second time after my diagnosis I was crying. I didn't know what to think, except that all of this was really hard to handle.

I never really thought about or truly contemplated what those words meant as I wrote that essay, and never would I classify my thoughts as "suicidal," but just more scared than anything. I didn't understand a lot about what diabetes meant, both scientifically and emotionally, back then. It was hard to process, along with trying to just figure out my place in this world as a kid growing into a young adult.

I can see how it would be so easy for any of us to feel frightened with no way out because we are scared. I was reminded of that just this past weekend. But ultimately I am just so glad to have persevered through the tough times to see what has awaited me on the other end. I believe that I have truly found what makes all of "this" worth it, something we are all capable of.